Mists swirled ominously over the lands of Western Finchlea, as Tzu Dhok’u’s troops trudged tirelessly towards the elven encampment. Bleak, endless fields passed, mile after mile, under uniform grey skies. It would have sapped the spirits of lesser creatures.
Tzu bobbed up and down on his palanquin in what was, by slann standards, a very jolly rhythm.
“I love this kind of weather!” he called happily to Ra, who bestrode Reks a little ways away. “It’s my favourite kind of weather, after hurricanes and tempests, of course.”
“Sir, you’ve been in a good mood ever since we left camp, if you don’t mind my saying so. I feel I should remind you that defeating these elves will be no easy task, if the way they have fought so far is anything to do by. They destroyed an entire battalion of hardened Chaos warriors, my scouts tell me. Also, I’m not sure I recognise where we are any more. I fear we may be lost in the mist.”
“Unthinkable!” cried Tzu, merrily. “On the contrary, this mist is the perfect cover. We will take them by surprise and torture them until they submit to our will.”
“Uh…” began Ra, but stopped as a huge shape suddenly loomed up ahead.
“By the gods, lizard,” said Tzu, his tone changed to one of awe. “It’s the ancient tower of Amon Samon. Tales tell that the spirit of the great sorcerer Nikos dwells there still.”
“I know it,” said Ra, uneasily. “But we should be a hundred leagues south of here. We have strayed far off course.”
“Unthinkable!” said Tzu, again. “A slann is never lost. He is always precisely where he means to be. I obviously wanted to come here, so I could investigate the ancient ruins of Amon Samon, to see if there was anything there for the furtherance of my sche- I mean, of the Great Plan.”
“Someone’s been on the Lord of the Plaques boxset again,” interjected Ini-Me’ni, Tzu’s newest skink attendant, who had yet to have the proper terror instilled. “Also, I can totally hear wardrums away to the east.”
“You see! We are near the elven army. And they know we’re coming, which is exactly what I intended. We will meet them in the field and overwhelm them with our superior military strategies.”
Ini-Me’ni and Ra looked at each other.
“Sir, there might be one tiny miscalculation in your plans. Though of course the very essence of error is anathema to your perfectly honed intellect. I would, however, endeavour to suggest -”
“Elves don’t use drums, is what he’s trying to say,” broke in Ini-Me’ni. “They use horns. And harps and stuff.”
A distant, faint chanting sound of “WAaaaaaaagh” could be heard, getting closer. Tzu sat still and avoided the others’ gaze.
The mists parted. A sea of greenskins could be seen surging towards the lizardmen’s position.
“Orcs!” said Tzu, at last. “Perfect! This is exactly what I had planned for. I only wanted them to think we were off to fight elves.” He looked defiantly at the others, daring them to say a word to the contrary.
“Riiiight,” said Ra, eventually. “I’ll just form up the battle line then, shall I?”
--
Mood: Curious
Listening to: the chanting of temple rituals.
God most likely to sacrifice to: Tepok, god of Magic and Wisdom
Well, we have fought another battle, even if it wasn’t one we had ever intended. This time, the Old Ones saw fit to grant us a victory, praise Quetzl! We were set upon by a band of brutish orcs and their unsightly minions after going off course during foul weather.
The battle got off to a slow start. Our line moved steadily towards theirs, while they stood and confronted us. The big black ones just looked at us menacingly, while the green ones seemed to be jumping up and down, working themselves into a bizarre frenzy, occasionally punching one another and brawling in the ranks.
Suddenly, all hell broke loose. On the right flank, goblins came bouncing out of nowhere on tiny mad balls of teeth and fury, which proceeded to devour a unit of unsuspecting skinks. On the left flank, enormous spiders surged towards our lines. One of them, a huge brute the size of a temple, scaled the entire tower of Amon Samon in one massive leap, and descended down the other side to set upon our other group of skinks. While the smaller spiders (merely the size of large wolves) were eventually put to flight by our chameleon scouts, who they had not noticed, our entire main contingent of saurus warriors had to be redeployed to deal with the big one - and even they were eventually destroyed by its ravenous fury.
At the same moment that all this happened, a huge hand appeared out of the heavens, lifting the enemy’s entire unit of black orcs to the far side of the battlefield, where they much surprised our smaller group of saurus, who were finally dispatching the last of the mad hopping creatures. Just as it looked like they would be overwhelmed by the new threat, the lumbering strides of Muph’a-Sa could be heard. His charge was like nothing I have ever seen. With a bellow, he plunged into the enemy ranks, scattering orcs every which way, and trampling dozens beneath his mighty feet. It was not enough, however. Their standard bearer managed to deal the stegadon a crippling blow, and his foolish, thrice-cursed handlers had forgotten to properly instil in him the spring-time mating fervour that would usually have kept him going at this time of year. He’s an old creature, and his libido’s not what it was 100,000 years ago.
Meanwhile, Ra Phee-Ki had given a mighty shout, and charged towards the bulk of the greenskins. Tzu Dhok’u’s bodyguard of elite Guardians were with him, meting out death to their foes as they went. The orcs were in a savage mood, shrieking and howling about something called “Da Choppa”. They gave as good as they got, and soon their enormous crude weapons were thick with the blood of our comrades. As we reached their lines, two of them unchained their giant leader, who had been stamping the ground and screaming insults at anyone and everyone who came near. His eyes were bloodshot, his mouth caked in foam, his voice like a stampede of thunderlizards. He came at us like a hurricane of muscle and weaponry - sadly for him, however, he had the poor judgement to take on Ra Phee-Ki.
--
“Hey, Boss Choppa!” said the orc holding the keys, with a nasty grin. “You wanna kill some lizards?”
“GRAAAGH!” said Choppa, too frenzied to form words.
“Boss, I heard dat big ’un over dere said your momma was a poncy elf.”
“I HATED MY MOMMA! I KILLED HER AN’ ATE HER BONES!” bellowed Choppa.
The smaller orc looked as his comrade, nervously.
“Right, boss. Well, he also said you is fick. An’ really bad at fightin’.”
Veins began pop out all over Choppa’s face. “LET ME GET ‘IM! LET ME AT ‘IM! I’LL EAT ‘IS EYES! I’LL CHEW ON ‘IS TAIL! I’LL MUNCH ‘IS SCALES! GRAAAAGGH!”
“Right you are, boss!” Standing as far back as possible, the orc leaned in and turned the key hastily. The savage warboss immediately reared up, scattering chains everywhere. The giant axe in his hands seemed to pump strength into him, and he swelled up to a terrifying size. He began to slice the air in front of him, his arms blurring as he got faster and faster, springing towards the oncoming oldblood on his carnosaur.
There was a blur as the three creatures met, and an earth-shaking cry of “EAT YOU!!!!!” that quickly ceased. As soon as it happened it was over.
Ra blinked and looked around. “Where did the big green fellow go?” he asked, puzzled.
“Ow,” said Reks, spitting out a giant magical weapon. “Axe not good to eat.”
“You ate the enemy general?” said Ra, a mixture of annoyance and awe in his voice. “Reks, that’s amaz- I mean, what have I told you about eating enemy officers before I get to have a proper fight with them? It’s just not sporting.” He looked up at the oncoming horde of green, who were furious at the death of Boss Choppa. “When it comes to these guys, on the other hand, you can have as many as you like. They’re just rank and file. Get ‘em, boy!”
--
Although Reks ate the the enemy “commander”, if you can call him that, before they got to have a proper fight (and also ate many other orcs, as things turned out), the Boss got his revenge later in the battle, when he incapacitated the carnosaur by escaping back out through its throat. By this point, however, the tide had already turned against his army, and he lacked the strength to do anything other than stumble off with them, chased by Ra, who was sorely miffed about what they had done to his steed.
Although the day was a big success, two things about the battle concern me. Firstly, the conduct of our revered Lord commander, Tzu Dhok’u. He spent the entire battle shrieking at the winds of magic, an insane gleam in his eye, as he brought down dark spells of death upon the enemy with a wild abandon. The pleasure he took in sapping their will and filling their minds with thoughts of doom and darkness was chilling to behold.
Secondly, I fear for my comrade, the young priest Ini-Me’ni, who had a terrible encounter with the enemy shaman during the battle. The shaman invoked their crazy god Mork (or possibly Gork), who personally arrived to psychically headbutt the poor skink. It is not something that should happen to any lizard. Not only is it horribly undignified, but it left poor Ini with terrible mental scarring, so that now he behaves almost like one of those rotten orcs. He begins to jump about whenever anyone mentions battle, is constantly insulting and punching reptiles twice his size, who treat him with a pity that just annoys him all the more. He often foams at the mouth and speaks of killing and fighting as if he were a kroxigor. I fear the poor chap will be a danger to himself and others, although his magical abilities appear undiminished.
Speaking of magic, the Lord Tzu has requested that I accompany him to examine the remains of this large wizard’s tower by which we fought our battle today. I am eager and curious to discover what ancient riddles lie inside. May Tepok guide my searches so that I don’t miss anything that will lead us on the True Way… possibly even towards the location of the Naq itself.
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