Faults in the stars

Ra Phee-Ki turned to his new priestly companion.

"Where's Zhat Tsiki?"

"My dear Ra, you have grown rather fond of old Zhat, haven't you. I always liked him too. One of my finest acolytes."

"Acolyte, eh? And who are you then?"

"They call me Tetto-Eko. Don't worry about Zhat, he just had some urgent business at the temple. How are the battle preparations?"

"The troops are deploying now."

"Ha! Got you! I know they're deploying. I have consulted the heavens. In fact, I can confidently assure you that your units on the left flank should advance rapidly in order to deal with immanent threats in that area."

Ra raised an eyebrow. Then he nodded to a lieutenant who exited the tent to give the order. "Any other advice you might have found in the...heavens?"

"Oh yes. The enemy army will be lining up about now in a regular and orderly forma-"

"Dwarves! dwarves! They're everywhere!"

A cry went up from outside. The sound of small but sturdy...and numerous feet marching in unison could be heard.

Ra burst out of the tent in time to hear another shout: "Vanguard! They're upon us!"

The mighty general grabbed the shouting warrior as he ran past, flailing. "You, soldier. What is this vanguard you speak of? Dwarves don't have vanguards, everyone knows that."

"And I would have seen it in the heaven's if they did." Tetto-Eko raised his arms and looked to the sky, his eyes glazing over.

"It-it's th-th-th" stammered the soldier. "Their whole army. It's one giant vanguard."

Tetto returned to reality. "Oh bugger," he said. "I may have missed a few things."

Suddenly the ground erupted behind them and a bunch of wee angry bastards burst forth brandishing axes as big as they were.

"Which one of youse scunners wants a guid kickin', eh?!"

Ra looked around. Tiny people made almost spherical by sheer weight of armour and weapons had descended on the lizardmen position much faster than the size of their legs would ever have suggested was possible.

"You know," mused the giant saurian, it's in times like these that I appreciate Tzu D'hoku's approach to military tactics." He clicked his tongue and was rewarded with the pounding of massive carnosaur legs. Leaping on to Reks' back, Ra gave an enormous bellow. "Skinks! Now is your time! Keep these little lunatics at bay! Buy as much time as you can! It's your only chance to fight someone smaller than you are!"

And madder than you are, thought Ra as the tiny brains of the skinks clicked into gear and they started swarming the ferocious Norsemen.

"Quickly now!" urged Ra, as he gathered the proper troops and roused the two gigantic stegadons, targeting the weakest dwarven formations first.

Despite the stampede of the ancient dinosaus and the havok that ensued, the dwarves kept hacking away with a seemingly endless stream of profanities. Ra could not find a way through.

"These little dickheads," he muttered. "So goddam stubborn. And why do they hate us so badly? How can an entire army harbour such grudges? Well, the old fashioned way it is."

Skink unit after unit was sacrificed to hold back the advance of the fearsome ironbreakers. Tetto-Eko hurled lightning and comets left and right. Eventually the dust settled. The ironbreakers looked around.

"Ach, waily waily. Everyone else is dead, lads. This is no' a guid sign a' all," murmured one of the elite warriors.

"Aye, but all o' them scaly bogles be dead too," pointed out another.

"Ach, weel...no' all of them..." said a third.

"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!" said Recks, flinging the body of their dead general at their feet and grinning toothily.

"Tha' looks like Thorogrod the Grim," said the first dwarf, looking from the 4-inch teeth to the 4-foot mangled corpse. "I once saw him kill a dozen dragons with nothin but his heid, ye ken."

"Aye. All that stuff about fightin' til the last man is guid an' all, but I heard as how they was doin two-fer-one at the local brewery. Who's with me!?"

A cheer went up as the ironbreakers went home to get drunk.